Welp… thatâd be 35 years in a row now that I forgot to get âBikini Bod Readyâ for summer. Just gonna call it a day on that one I rekon and perhaps tweak my social media feeds so I never read THAT phrase again. #fuckoffinstagraminfluencersÂ
Admittedly, like most women, whether youâre skinny or fat, short, or tall; potato shaped or carrot shaped; big boobs, no boobs; fadoobalas, or twiggy arms, we all have some kind of existential wardrobe crisis when the weather starts to change. I had one the other day because it was 30 degrees and I forgot how to dress myself.Â
I know Iâm not alone here….we all stare at our wardrobe full of clothes wondering what the hell we wore last year? I tell you what I wore…. about the same 5 outfits on rotation and all the other crap hanging up is classified into groups of âmight wear that again one dayâ, âmight fit into that again one dayâ, âI love that dress I go nowhere to wearâ and âI paid a shit tonne for that so I canât possibly throw it away even though Iâll never wear it againâ.Â
The pressure to âget ready for summerâ was lost on me years ago. Iâm not ever summer ready. I live in denial that it will come. Summer doesnât like me and I donât like summer. Iâm not from these parts. Iâm a decendant of Irish and Scottish folk. I think thereâs German in there too somewhere and perhaps part vampire because I react to the blaring sun in quite a similar fashion.Â
Please summer… stay away. Besides the killer magpies, Spring is fine. Letâs leave it there shall we? Who needs summer? Thereâs so much not to like. Plus, the thought of having to consider shaving the 6 inches of leg I show in public is just too much right now. After all I only shave my legs for the lady who does my pedicure and when itâs sheet change day, neither of which hapÂpens often enough.Â
For all you summer loving people, enjoy the impending warmer weather and time in the sun… for it will end and the world will be as it should be once more. Overcast and under 25 degrees.Â
Omg. I got sucked into a tiktok vortex and dragged one of my friends along for the ride.
I was stalking children, but not in the way that sounds.
Hereâs an idea. If you have a kid with a tik-tok account or even if you donât think they have a tik-tok account, log yourself on and take a squiz. You might be surprised at what little Johnny or Mary is doing and/or watching. Just giving you the heads up that in TikTok land Johnny may be known as âdixi_normusâ and Mary could be âsassyqueen482â¤ď¸â. Itâs a free-for-all. God knows what our generationâs grandchildren will be named. I draw the line at underscores (pun intended) and silent letters.
Second idea. If you find out your kid has a tik-tok account make sure itâs private. I can see all sorts of stuff. I can see inside peopleâs houses, parents in the background, school and sports club logos and what they ate for tea last night. I now know what school your kid goes to, who they play sport for, what you look like, what car you drive, what their siblings look like and if I was a sick a perverted idiot I could spend a bit of time and find your house aswell.
Am I over-reacting? Probably. Am I being hypocritical because I use social media, with a public page and I blog about my family? Possibly. Am I a 10 year old child who doesnât know a lot about online safety, potentially being exposed to strangers who see me as an easy target? No. Am I being followed by hundreds of people. No đ. Am I a pre-pubescent boy following a tiktok account called Sexxyyyy Ladieeessss being exposed to a bit of soft porn while I scroll through my Tiktok feed. Also NO. Plus Iâd be more inclined to be following Sexxyyy Mennnn thanks.
Like many parents I grapple with social media. I love it in many ways and hate it equally as much. Itâs definitely here to stay, so thereâs no point fighting it. I personally use it quite a bit. Itâs a source of entertainment, news and connection. I do most of my news reading online. I collect a lot of recipes to cook for my family to whinge about. I follow my favourite artists, comedians, actors and social commentators online and also follow leaders and organisations who I have learnt a lot from. Itâs a big wide world out there and itâs all accessible through the click of a few buttons. All great stuff, until suddenly itâs not so great.
Much to the disgust of our teen Iâve had the âporn on the internet is not what sex is really likeâ conversation aswell. Someone told me once the average age that a child is exposed to online porn is 8. What in all fuckery is that? I also added details about the fact that âmost women donât look like that in real life and no, you probably wonât be doing THAT the first time you explore the world of sexy-time. It will probably be exciting but awkward and weird as well as possibly being over before it beginsâ… (I think heâd left the room at this point yelling âwe learn this at school… please stop talking mum, youâre weirdâ). But itâs our job to talk about this stuff isnât it? Itâs our job to launch into their world a bit and keep a âwatchful eyeâ (totally not spying.. đ§)….Theyâre gonna stuff up for sure, and that ok. Thatâs what kids do. I just want mine to be safe and informed. I need to have a bit of confidence that Iâm sending kids into this online world armed with a bit of knowledge.
Kids can be savvy and smart and sneaky though. If my kids wanted to have private accounts and hide or block me, so they can watch sexyyy ladiesss or someone busting out some bad dance moves accompanied by some totally inappropriate swearing, thatâs understandable. Come to think of it, they can get all of that from me on any given night in the kitchen… why the hell do they need Tik-tok? Anyway, who wants their parents watching everything you do? I sure as hell didnât, so I donât expect mine would either. I like to remind them though that Iâm honing my investigation skills. Some of my favourite books to read and podcasts to listen to are based on true crime investigative journalism and Iâm starting to think I could change my name to Cagney or maybe Lacey? Who was the one that always seemed tired and had the annoying kids?
Good luck and stay strong out there. 2020 parenting is a far stretch from the days of spokey dokes and cabbage patch kids with the most controversial topic of debate being whether Boy George was a boy and if so how did he get such great eyebrows?
